My Lonely Chapter
Summary
Chasing a more meaningful life has a cost:
The “lonely chapter” is a normal part of growing into a new version of yourself, but it still hurts
We cannot have everything, so we have to choose our trade-offs with our eyes wide open
Some old friendships are meant to loosen, a few are meant to be protected
A neglected friendship never shouts as loudly as a work deadline, so be the one who reaches out
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When I returned to London from Dubai in 2022, my life was full. I was working in an engaging and demanding role at PwC, training for the 2023 Half Ironman World Championships, completing the executive coaching course that would qualify me as a coach, and building a one-to-one coaching business on the side. Something had to give, and it did. During that period of my life, I did not see much of my mates.
Walking over Embankment Bridge in November of 2022, on my commute to the PwC London offices.
The Patrick who returned to London was very different from the one who had left in 2018. I had left as someone who loved spending time at the pub, drinking pints of lager and smoking rolled up cigarettes. I returned as someone who now drank a lot less, enjoyed waking up early and preferred reading books about personal development to spending late evenings at the pub.
I started saying no to social gatherings more often and began to be invited less. I would open Instagram and see the birthday parties of people who had once been great university friends. I had not been invited. It hurt. I would experience a sinking feeling of rejection each time. And while I wouldn’t say that I was “lonely” during this time, because I had Majd and my family around me, I would definitely say that I felt disconnected from my mates.
Chris Williamson of the Modern Wisdom podcast talks about this concept of “The Lonely Chapter” - a phase in life often experienced by someone who begins to make positive changes to live a more meaningful, aligned and fulfilling life. As they begin to grow into that version of themselves, it necessitates a stepping away from certain relationships and behaviours, which results in this “lonely chapter”. This resonates with me.
The cost of choosing
I wonder whether I made the right decisions during that time of my life. Should the triathlon training have received less of me so I could see my friends more? Probably. But would I be the athlete I am today if I’d been less consistent in my training? Probably not. Should I have delayed the coaching course and the starting of building my coaching side-hustle? I don’t think so. They are what have got me to where I am today and I would have felt the discomfort of knowing I had found my calling, but that I wasn’t taking any meaningful steps towards it.
We cannot have everything in life, we need to make choices and accept trade-offs. Choosing one path means not choosing another. Ambition has a cost, even and often especially when the ambition is meaningful. My ambition cost me time with my friends. But was this required of me? Or was it a mistake?
As I reflect back now, there are two things that I have learnt when it comes to old friends in the context of chasing a more meaningful life.
With Majd in December 2022, our first Winter back in London.
The first is that not every friendship needs to continue in the form it once did. Some people were exactly the friends you needed at school or university, but your interests, values and lives have since moved in different directions. While I found that incredibly uncomfortable and hard to accept at first, I have now come to see that it is a completely natural and normal part of adult life. It was not that we now disliked each other, it was simply that we now had less in common than we once did.
So, it is okay to let some old friendships loosen, but - and this being the second thing I have learnt - we should always stay close to those few friends who matter most. During this period of my life I did not stay as close to these few as I should have done. They are my best mates and always will be, I should have been there more for them.
That doesn’t mean I should have abandoned coaching & triathlon training, but rather that I should have been more intentional in reaching out to my best mates, in seeing them, in showing them how much they matter to me. In hindsight, that I believe I could and should have done, and I still would have been able to lay those coaching foundations and become the athlete I am today. To have stayed focused on those things, but perhaps have been just a little less blinkered.
Relationships require investment
At the time, I would tell myself that this is just a necessary sacrifice in order to create this more meaningful life that I dreamed of. And while I believe that we do need to make sacrifices in order to live with more purpose, I do not believe that we need to sacrifice those closest to us. I have since come to see that relationships are not merely a pleasant addition to a successful life. They are part of what makes a life worth succeeding in.
They matter to performance too. “Belonging is a wildly undervalued condition required for human performance”, Owen Eastwood writes. A sense of belonging and connection to those around us gives us somewhere to recover when things become heavy. It gives us people who can lift us up when we are down, who can put a smile on our face at the end of a shitty day.
But a neglected friendship never shouts as loudly as a work deadline does. A friendship does not send an email reminder when connection is long overdue. We need to be intentional about staying close to those few who matter most and not assume that our relationships will take care of themselves. We are all busy, that’s no excuse.
Send the message
Today, there are many weddings I once thought I would be invited to, which I now find out about through Instagram stories. And while it sometimes still hurts, I have become more accepting of the fact that if I was there, it would probably mean that I wouldn’t be where I am in my life today. I made a trade-off, I have to accept the consequences. It’s a hard thing to accept, but I’m becoming a little better at it.
With some of my best mates on my stag do last year back in Edinburgh (where I went to university)
And in these past few years, since becoming more aware of how I once neglected and took for granted some of my most important friendships, I have become much more intentional in reaching out to my closest mates when I think of them, in speaking to and seeing them.
I have had the joy of attending some of their weddings (one this weekend just gone) and the privilege of being best man at one. That is enough for me: to be there in the special moments for the few people in this world who are most special to me.
And so, over to you. Before today ends, I invite you to think of someone you miss. And then, send the text, make the call, record the voice note or arrange the coffee. Do not wait for life to become less busy. Spoiler alert: it never will.
Deepen Your Curiosity
If this blog resonated with you then, then Chris Williamson’s framing of “The Lonely Chapter” in this short youtube clip of why growth can feel so isolating, is well worth 7 minutes of your time!
Owen Eastwood’s Belonging: The Ancient Code of Togetherness is a brilliant read on why connection is not a nice-to-have but a required condition for performing at your best, written by the man who has worked with Manchester City, Gareth Southgate’s England and the British Olympic team.
