Here’s How to Trust Your Own Perspective
Summary
Often we rely on other’s for our own opinions. But for life decisions, we have to trust that we have more knowledge than anyone else, we have researched the risks, and we know the chance of failure:
You know the right thing to do: go back to your values
Don’t run the risk of letting your dreams get confused with someone else’s opinion
For your own life decisions trust your own perspective.
The Insinkerator
“What the hell are you doing?” Joe shouted over the noise. He was sat next to me at the kitchen table, looking at his wife standing over the kitchen sink. Amber had a wicked look in her eyes.
Joe goes again, more exasperated now, “Seriously, Amber! Why the f*** did you just do that?”
My heart was racing, my blood was boiling and I knew Liv, my wife, next to me felt the same. Despite being a guest, I looked at Joe sitting next to me, then at Amber and said, “what… why… why have you just done that?!”
The three of us stood up to join Amber at the kitchen sink. We peered into the mess. In the plughole of their sink was an Insinkerator - a device which blends anything that goes into it so it doesn’t block your drain.
She hadn’t put Joe’s iPhone in there, it was much worse.
Before that moment
Up until the fateful Insinkerator moment, we’d had a lovely dinner. Liv and I were roadtripping through New Zealand on a mini-sabbatical before I started my coaching career. One stop was Wellington to see my old school friend, Joe, who’d moved to New Zealand with his Kiwi wife.
We spent the day with them; we visited Amber’s family, whose sister is a patisserie chef and even made us a pavlova to take back for dinner.
Now, do you ever have that kind of day with a couple in a faraway land, somewhere you aren’t likely to visit for many years, laugh your head off, get on like a house on fire and think, “I wish these guys lived down the road from me”? Well, that’s what Liv and I had with Joe and Amber.
Over dinner we cried (with laughter) about how different and similar we all are. Liv and Joe live in a world where time is slow and decisions take longer; whilst Amber and I take every opportunity to make the most of every minute. Amber is more of an extremist, brushing her teeth in the shower to cut two minutes out of her day.
After the main course, Amber took the pavlova out of the fridge, serving myself, Liv and Joe a slice. Amber didn’t have any on account of her dairy intolerance.
As soon as Joe laid his fork down in his empty bowl, Amber turned on him, “are you going to have any more?” Before he could answer, she turned to me, more politely, “will you have any more, Jack?”
“Erm…,” I hadn’t finished and I was being polite.
“Liv?” Amber was standing up. Liv didn’t respond. Amber picked up the plate with the pavlova on it and in the time it takes a cobra to strike its prey, she had put the tap on, turned on the Insinkerator and noisily washed her sister’s beautiful creation down the drain.
You know what the right thing to do is
Here’s why my good friend Amber did the right thing. She explained to us later that evening, “I can’t eat it. I don’t want my husband - who says he wants to be healthy - to eat 75% of a pavlova. I can’t take it to my parents because they are supposed to be healthy because of their diet.” She looked right at Joe, “if I didn’t throw it, you’d make me keep it in the fridge and you would eat it.”
So, thank you Amber. For protecting our health, for being strong and for giving me a way to write about doing what you know to be right.
Your dreams can become confused with someone else’s opinions
If you’re a doer or a dreamer, there will be times in your life when you have an idea - “I want to change careers,” “I want to move countries,” “I want to start a company,” “I want to become a vegan.” These are things you believe strongly in, things you’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about. In those thoughts you’ve surfaced the risks, the doubts and the worries.
But then a curious thing happens. In many of these situations, you will then go and ask someone what they think.
Why do we do this? It’s simple, we want support and validation.
What do we often get? We get someone who resurfaces all of the risks, doubts and worries that we are already aware of.
Why do they do that? Because they’re put on the spot and they’re thinking about it from their perspective.
It’s understandable, but it’s not helpful.
For your life decisions, trust your own perspective
There are many things in life where we do need guidance. But adult things that you’ve really thought through such as: throwing pavlovas down sinks; choosing who to spend your life with; and what career to do - they’re things you should choose yourself.
The question is, how do we find our own perspective in such a noisy world? A world where we’re worried about the future, about politics, AI and the climate. These hard times are exactly when we need to anchor into who we are.
But where to start? Start with your values. They are the fundamental beliefs you have about how the world works. You will have between 3-5 values which guide both your everyday decisions and your major life priorities. For example: Honesty, Courage, Adventure, Community, Health.
In our hyper-connected world, we are overwhelmed with choices in a way that has never happened before. What career to follow? Who to date? Where to live? In some ways it’s better, but in others it makes things harder. When we know our values, we are better able to make those choices authentically.
Here’s two coaching questions to figure out your values
What do you wish you saw more of in the world?
What do you instinctively put your hand up for?
If you don’t know your values, you’re always going to get stuck. You’ll set the wrong goals, you’ll put pavlovas in fridges not Insinkerators, you’ll listen to others when you should listen to your heart.
So, figure out your values - maybe it’s health like Amber or taking your time like Joe - and use them. When you next have a small life decision to make, think, “what would someone who values health, or time do in this situation?”
