Here’s How I Tackled My Hardest Challenge
Summary
When we have a particularly hard challenge in life, we need to run towards friction. We don’t want to remove it.
Just like a car removes friction (smooth engine parts, lubricants), it also adds friction (brakes, tyres)
For our hardest problems, adding friction can become a source of strength, not weakness
There are three ways I add friction: tell people; ask for help and commit to the future
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If you’re moving through life right now and it feels heavier than you expected, that’s friction. If your plan was to fly to the top but you’ve had to take a couple of side roads, that’s friction. If you thought you’d have sold your first company by 30 but you’re still working for someone else, that’s friction.
As a good parent you need to know when to push your kids, and when to let them fall. The same is true for ourselves as adults.
You even experienced it as a kid in order to become a successful adult. Whether it was the friction of you scraping your knee in the playground, or the friction of you falling out with your best friend, when it happened it changed something inside of you. You learnt not to jump off too high places, and you learnt to become kinder to the people you love.
Removing these challenges would be like trying to cross a frozen pond without skates. It wouldn’t work. You’d flap about, spin your feet and fall on your face. You’d have two options: either finding some skates or walking on the earth around the lake - friction.
Look, this isn’t self flagellation, I don’t want you to go round asking for people to cause you pain, but I do want you to gain the perspective that friction isn’t an obstacle in your life, it’s the way point that you push off from. Because out of those discomforts will come your success, something which Brené Brown puts so beautifully:
“He or she who is willing to be the most uncomfortable is not only the bravest, but rises the fastest.”
Brené Brown
Adding friction to your life
Something in my late 20s which made me uncomfortable was my weight. As a kid I wasn’t a perfect weight, if a snack was offered I’d take it. But when I turned 14 I started doing a lot of sports, had a growth spurt and a metabolism that only teenage boys seem to have. Long story short, I became slim. That continued through university and after, until the Covid lockdown. As with many well paid childrenless couples living in London, we really got into wine and biscuits. Coupled with the exercise restrictions, I didn’t get slimmer.
In 2022, I signed up for a personal development retreat in Thailand with 2b Limitless - life changing.
So, once lockdown had ended I found myself on a personal development retreat. I decided enough is enough: “I want to lose that weight.” With the advice of a great mentor I added some friction to my life.
#1 Tell people
There is a lot of friction involved in telling someone, “I am going to lose this weight by 2024 and I am going to keep it off forever!” Call me pathological, but I told a lot of people about it. Why? Because I know that committing something out loud is a lot more powerful than just thinking it.
#2 Let your future self deal with the problem
There is a bias to understand here. Firstly, present bias means that we massively inflate the value/loss of something today versus the value/loss of something far in the future. Knowing this, one of the first messages I sent was to my personal trainer, “let’s get some sessions scheduled.” If someone said to me, “do you want to do a grueling workout right now?” I’d probably respond, “I’m alright thanks.” But when it’s scheduled, that’s a problem for future Jack.
#3 Get people to challenge you
Sometimes I can’t be bothered. When that happens you’re in the slippery-slope-to-abandoned-habit-territory. Unless, you have someone in your corner. I’m not ashamed to say I said to Liv, “you have to help me with this, please.” Find those people who will fight for you and everything will be easier.
#4 Don’t do it all the time
Look, there was a reason I wasn’t the slimmest kid. I bloody loved chocolate, desserts and sweets! I still do. I had ice cream last night even though I’m training for a race. Why? Because life is too short to not give in every now and again.
Life is too short.
If you’re smart - which I know you are - you’ll know that these lessons aren’t about weight loss. They’re about moving through hard parts of your life. We’ve all got important things in our life. Some of them we find easy to progress. Others we find harder - for me that’s being healthy. This list of four above isn’t designed to remove friction from your life, to make things easier for you. It’s designed to add friction at the right place.
So, next time you come across a rocky obstacle, don’t take your boots off and sit down. Instead, tie your laces up more tightly, put your foot on the rock and push off it.
Deepen Your Curiosity
Today’s books! No, I didn’t read them all in one day. They’re mostly ones I’ve read and revisited.
Honestly, I came to this blog via a circuitous route. I spent the day reading and I realised that all stories (whether true or not) are about change, and change is friction. Here’s what I was reading:
Harry Potter: honestly, I spend more time reading fiction now. I believe you can learn more from stories (whether real or made up!) than self help.
Dante’s Inferno: it’s Italy’s Shakespeare and is widely taught in schools! So I felt it’s a must read to understand where I live.
Ryan Holiday’s Wisdom Takes Work is a book you can dive into at any point. Take this nugget: consider yourself lucky to be able to receive criticism, for it’s more valuable than being surrounded by “yes-men”.
Tim Ferriss. This is my first time reading his books and I have to say I’m enjoying Tools of Titans more than his famous 4 Hour Work Week. Why? You find quotes like this inside: “When I feel stagnated, I promise myself that even if I don’t feel inspired, I need to move forward.” - Paulo Coehlo
Zen Mind. I like really really deep books. This is one of them! If that’s your thing, check it out.
