Summary

76% of participants in a seminal (but morbid) study said their single biggest regret in life was not fulfilling their ideal self. Here’s how to stop ignoring your ideal self and die without regrets.

Realise that fear is a lousy indicator of outcomes
Listen to your ideal self - nobody else will
Encourage your ideal self to take risks
Move, just always move

Keep Reading

I’ve spent the week on YouTube. No, not watching cat videos. I’ve been finding famous movie scenes to slot into the YouTube videos that we are making at Wildest Dream.

These videos are about five minutes long and with our Millennial-to-Gen-Z inability to concentrate these videos could be quite dry without some fun clips put in there.

One thing I have been ruminating on as I watch back all of these clips from The Hunger Games to Man on Fire is just how many movies follow the same narrative arc - The Hero’s Journey.

The Hero’s Journey is as old as time:

(1) The Hero is living peacefully in their world (Luke Skywalker, Frodo Baggins)

(2) Our Hero gets a call to adventure (R2-D2’s hidden message, Gandalf’s ring)

(3) The Hero refuses to go on the adventure out of fear (Luke can’t leave his farm, Frodo can’t leave the Shire).

*The Hero’s Journey was popularised by Joseph Campbell in the 20th century, but it is as old as the Ancient Greeks.*

(4) Eventually the Hero gives in, experiences hardship, becomes a better person, saves the world and everyone lives happily ever after.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, imagine how few movies would exist if they stopped at Stage 2: Call to Adventure.

If every time something hard came up in these characters' lives, they listened to their negative heads and said, “yep, you know what, that’s not for me, someone else will take care of it.”

Deathbed regrets

Cornell psychologist Tom Gilovich researched regret and published some amazing findings to show what people’s regrets were before they died.

76% of participants in this study said their single biggest regret in life was not fulfilling their ideal self. In simple language, they regretted not being who they wanted to be.

Given we work with people quite a long way from death, the question I am more interested in is, “how do we ensure we end up on our deathbed without these regrets?”

(1) Realise that fear is a lousy fortune teller

I just tried a simple exercise - I wrote down as many things as I could remember that I have been worried about in 2026. Everything from moving to Italy to missing my flight because of long airport security queues.

I then crossed out everything that I was worried about that materialised. Guess how many items remained on my list?

Zero. Literally everything I could think of that I was worried about has not materialised.

We may never overcome fear entirely - I for one could write another long list of things I am still worried about. Instead, we have to (1) reflect that our brains are predisposed to fear and (2) realise that fear is a lousy indicator of outcomes. Once we realise that, we can confidently tell ourselves:

*My journal entry of worries - literally none of them happened.*

“I am scared, I am supposed to be scared, but I will do it anyway.”

(2) Judge yourself on how many times you tried

We have a saying at Wildest Dream:

Nobody’s passion ever slapped them around the face and said, “hey, I’m here, this is what you’re passionate about.”

It’s true right? How do you know if you’re destined to do baking, banking or writing without trying it? Imagine if Luke Skywalker put down his lightsaber, or Frodo abandoned his quest after a couple of days of trying?

If you want to die without regrets, you have to follow those seeds of curiosity, those sparks of passion and those tiny interests. No parent, teacher, partner, boss or friend is going to tell you what will fulfil your ideal self. Only you can do that.

So, remember this:

Judge yourself on the number of things you try, the number of opportunities you put your hand up for, the number of times you fail - don’t judge yourself on the output when you’re just getting started.

(3) Listen to your ideal self

We all have that friend who says, “one day I’m going to start my own business,” only for us to roll our eyes behind their back because we’ve heard it 99 times before.

Many people know what they are passionate about. They know what moves them, inspires them and makes them tick but they never do anything about it. But why?

They are waiting for permission. Permission that it’s okay to tread a different route to parents, bosses and friends. The problem is, those people, however well meaning, do not know what it’s like to walk in anything but their own shoes. Their advice is well intentioned, but it will always be through their own lenses.

There’s only one person in the universe who is tuned into what you are truly destined to do - it’s time you listened to them.

Give yourself permission and be a bit kinder to yourself - if you want a rule of thumb:

If you wouldn’t say it to a five year old, don’t say it to yourself.

What do I mean by that? If your ideal self (five year old) is telling you, “oooooh, I quite fancy writing a book,” don’t respond to them with, “yeah, but you’re shit at writing.”

Move, just move

*Change your tune - we are hardwired for negativity so sometimes we have to force ourselves to see a different narrative.*

Finally, if I could ask you to do just one thing, it’s what I mentioned earlier. Write down all your worries and check back in a month if they actually materialised. Yes, we are hardwired for fear for a good reason, but don’t let it be an excuse to not try.

As Pat’s all time favourite Marcus Aurelius said:

“Perspectiveis everything, so choose it wisely.”

No one can do the work for you. You need to get closer to who you are; you need to listen to what you truly want; and you need the confidence to act on it.

At Wildest Dream, we’re pretty big on action (it’s one of our values after all), so if you’re the type of person who likes to grow and become their ideal self, then take a couple of points above and make some change. If you’re not sure where to start, just go for a walk, look at the sky, talk to someone, do something kind, smile - because, no Hero ever changed the world by staying inside.

Deepen Your Curiosity

The Ideal Road Not Taken, Shai Davidai and Tom Gilovich (2018). The study behind the 76% figure: people's most enduring regrets concern the gap between their actual self and their ideal self.
One of my favourite books on dying without regret is Chasing Daylight by Eugene O’Kelly.

How To Die Without Regrets